The ‘Imposter’ Gremlin:
WHO ARE YOU NOT TO
Welcome Gremlins. Welcome to the three-way conversation between my fear, my curiosity and a wise pianist named Sam.* This is how, together, we three navigated doing something I was afraid to do; singing to something with ears.
As if speaking rhymes to strangers last week wasn't hard enough, this week I was asked to lead a group of people through song, poem and drumbeat DRUMB (I DON'T EVEN DRUMB?), and this is how it followed.
My fear: But who am I to share? I have nothing to teach these people.
Sam: Who are you not to? You have a unique set of experiences and a blueprint that has made you precisely into who you are, and you have something to bring.
My curiosity: Yes, I know this. I see everyone I meet as a teacher, so if I see that in others, then I can remember that someone can see that in me too.
Ok, but there is more fear…
My fear: But I haven't done this before, and what if something goes wrong?
Sam: This is not about you; it's about them. So leave space for silence so that the other players, the audience, and the viewer can be with themselves. Leave a gap so that people can reflect.*
My curiosity: Yes, I like this because I also get to be a viewer of what I am creating. If I allow space for silence, I get to be present and surprise myself. Being in flow takes the pressure off me, and it feels like discovering -think jazz, improv, or automatic drawing.
Ok, but there is more fear…
My fear: I won't be good enough
Sam: You've got to start somewhere; people like the innocence of a beginner; it's a permission slip. People will connect if you are honest and don't try to 'plastic fantastic' your way through it but show your authentic self.
My curiosity: Interesting. Interesting, yes; let's see how this unfolds.
The result?
Well, the sound session I held was great. I enjoyed it, and though there was a lot of room for improvement, I unearthed something special that night. The downside? Taking feedback is still tricky for me, so when I was given feedback, it was still triggering, and I felt overly sensitive to the input. This is something to work on going forward- removing the personalisation from feedback and taking it less as an attack of self-worth and more as an opportunity to create something great.
*P.S
Sam? Well, his advice comes from a student of Thelonius Monk. And that's why, even though it scared me, if saying yes means I get to be close with people who've studied with the greats, I will keep saying yes.
Sam recounted the story of playing with a student pianist of Thelonius Monk. Sam, not a drummer, was asked by a said prodigy to keep a beat on the drums. Sam - a total novice, did as he was asked, and by the end of the thirty minutes, the pianist thanked him with a heartfelt hug. Sam responded,d "But why are you so grateful? I didn't do anything?" "Exactly", the pianist replied. "Exactly, you didn't try to take over, try to show off or take control. You allowed me to come through, so thank you."
Sam told me this story because he wanted me to know the importance of allowing pause and confidently giving people a moment to fill the space.
Forever a curious student,
Karimah
