The ‘Rejected’ Gremlin
The Bits People Don’t See
We’ve all been there. You apply for something you really want. By some stroke of luck, you make it to the final cut. You’re shortlisted. You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t help but get excited. A spark of hope ignites. Days and weeks pass, and the momentum builds in your desired direction. Then, on an unremarkable Tuesday morning, you get the news: you didn’t get it. You weren’t chosen. And you’re expected to go on with your day, silently grappling with a stillborn hope sitting in your inbox.
“How do you deal with rejection?” It’s the clichéd question many interviewers ask when they want to reveal what happens behind the scenes in the life of anyone remotely ‘successful’. The interviewee typically responds with something trite like “Don’t take it personally” or “Lean on your community.” Blah, blah, blah.
While these are decent answers, such neatly summarised quips are rarely helpful when feeling down about something you really wanted. The stakes are particularly high when you’ve built emotional momentum into potential futures. The lesson isn’t to avoid feeling. For me, it’s the opposite: feel deeply, and in that feeling, question. Use your findings to fine-tune and cast new intentions based on the essence of what you wanted. Then pivot. Let me show you how.
This is what I’ve learnt (tested over multiple chances of being shortlisted, scouted, selected, and then not quite making the cut):
REJECTION GIVES YOU CLARITY IN A WAY THAT WINNING DOESN’T
When you get rejected, you can more clearly unpick the key principles of what you want. Rejection shows you the why behind your desire. When the what (the person, the job, the house) falls through, the why remains, just in another form. If you always get what you want, you never learn the essence of what you’re striving for.
The Trojan horse is the prize/the job. The real win is the version of yourself you thought you were going to become. Then, you pivot and become that person, just via a different route.
Other solutions show up.
My Rejection Formula
1. Feel It
Allow yourself to cry, get angry, and fully experience the emotion. Let the feelings run their course (feel don’t feed).
2. Question It
Use your emotions as accurate signposts to show you the reason behind what you want. For example, you can ask yourself:
Why am I sad?
What opportunity was lost?
What did I think I would be able to do with the money?
Who did I want to share with?
What did I think this job was going to give me?
Where was this prize going to take me?
What version of me was this love letting me express?
These questions help you understand the deeper significance of your disappointment.
3. Write It
Write down the essence of what you want. With clarity on what you sought from the rejected offer, you can begin to pivot. Don’t start figuring out the what or how yet. Stay focused on the essence and meaning of your goal. For example:
I want to be supported in mastering my craft.
I want to spend more time doing something that feels freeing.
4. Clean It
Now, and only now, can you cleanse the rejection from your psyche. Move the email to a different folder. Reply to say thank you or ask for feedback. Share with someone you trust. Take a shower. Engage in a ritual that helps you process and move forward.
Important Note: Only interact with others after step 3, once you’ve thoroughly processed your emotions. Engaging too soon risks adopting their judgements and missing the opportunity to understand your true motivations.
From The Factory >
Musings >
- Colour Inspiration dissect the colour swatches in “One Sings the Other Doesn’t” by Agnes Varda.
- Writing Inspiration dissect the scene in “Reservoir Dogs” where Holdaway teaches Freddy the ropes. “It’s the details that sell your story. And you have to make them your own.”
P.S. I couldn’t find a clip of that particular scene, but here is a good one and you should just watch the whole film.
