The ‘Judgy’ Gremlin
O N . T H E . O T H E R . S I D E
When they judge you and you just gotta keep on being you.
Have you ever been made to feel uncomfortable and doubt your actions because someone else doesn’t understand them?
I met with someone this week - he owns an art and branding agency and the dynamic was part interview/ part first introduction. Although we previously met over zoom this was our first IRL intro. About 30 minutes into the conversation, said person starts asking me about my ‘vision’ for my career. “Like is it pure art, is it personality, or is it words?” he asked.
I suspected this question was less out of genuine curiosity and more trying to figure out if I could be an asset to his company. The whole thing gave me the icks because all of a sudden I could feel myself trying to defend my ‘evolving out loud’ career trajectory.
S E L F . D O U B T . I S . A . C L U E
It’s hard, isn’t it when you start your own business? There are so many extra add ons to working for yourself and one thing people don’t warn you about is how to manage self doubt. When I was asked this question, my thoughts fogged up and I didn’t have a neat answer to give. “I don’t know, I need to see as I iterate” I wanted to say, but instead I tried to save face and gave some half-assed explanation about why I’m doing what I’m doing.
The interviewers' question "what are you" grated on me and swirled around in my bowels. Whilst I know that the path to making something worthwhile is to focus in one lane, what do you do when you are still trying to get INTO THE DAMN LANE and figure out how to market yourself succinctly?
Well. I think there is something to be said in using the opinions of others as clues to your own thoughts. For example, I know that when I get defensive or self critical, it’s probably because the person hit a nerve and spoke of some kind of truth that I’m denying. At the end of the night I asked myself what did I learn about myself in that encounter - where did that person's judgements mirror something in myself that I am scared to look at? Because whilst the judgment itself is not useful, learning from my reactions is.
P.S I share this incident not as a way to throw shade, but to share the micro ways we constantly doubt ourselves. This is just one thread of so many examples where we can either choose to fall into low self belief or rise and question judgement. This kind of situation was a gift into even more self acceptance and knowledge.
Till next time you beautiful beast.
K X
